How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Moderator: Scott Waters
How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Seems to me most of the successful herpers out there are either single, divorced, or in seperation mode or soon to be in my situation. My fiance and I have had many fights over me going field searching and keeping snakes not to mention my other field hobbies, we also get in fights about my computer time, which in retro spect to her "tv shoes" is at least half the time. I try to be thoughtful I just cant fight my dreams. I cant remove my initial first loves in this life what do I do lol
cheers
B DeCavele
cheers
B DeCavele
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Single life, man. I don't have to clear herping with anyone.
- Brian Hubbs
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Those of us who have been divorced know why it happened, but aside from any personality differences there needs to be give and take. I was guilty of too much take, and not enough give, but the basic differences in personality contributed the most to the divorce. However, it was a good learning experience, and once I was free again I discovered that my all-consuming passion for herps had dwindled a lot (maybe due to being able to overdose all I wanted in field-herping and writing 3 books ). Today, I find myself less consumed, more balanced, and I have more fun when I do go herping. I'm still addicted to writing books, however...#4 and #5 are on the way...
- Brian Hubbs
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Since there is no edit button (????) I will continue here:
Brandon, you need to decide what is most important to you -your obsessive herping or your family. If you answer "family", then you need to make major concessions. Now!
Brandon, you need to decide what is most important to you -your obsessive herping or your family. If you answer "family", then you need to make major concessions. Now!
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I am very fortunate in that my soul mate, Raymond, shares my love of herping.
I have dated men who did not. It was not much fun.
My humble opinion is that if someone asks you to give up your passion(s), then that is not the right person for you. If someone truly cares for you and wants you to be happy, why on earth would they want you to give up something that brings you great joy?
There are several billion people on this planet. I don't see any reason to settle for one who doesn't respect my interests.
Note: When I say "you," I mean the general you. Am not telling the OP what he should do. I am not qualified to do that.
I have dated men who did not. It was not much fun.
My humble opinion is that if someone asks you to give up your passion(s), then that is not the right person for you. If someone truly cares for you and wants you to be happy, why on earth would they want you to give up something that brings you great joy?
There are several billion people on this planet. I don't see any reason to settle for one who doesn't respect my interests.
Note: When I say "you," I mean the general you. Am not telling the OP what he should do. I am not qualified to do that.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I enjoy all the responses I find it funny that this little post about family issues that took me 3 minutes has had more replies than my end of the year post that took easily 30 + minutes.
But to be honest with everybody, I think she tries but I think she thinks a half hour is good enough, she just doesnt understand and wont. I love her but I do think the easiest option is to diverge but we have two daughters together, so there comes the point...I have done a lot to try to tight rope everything and in my mind am more than caring to her needs lol. I think I will see how this spring goes and go from there. I agree with most of you guys the Brian Hubbs I don't know if I want to take advice from you due to your condition lol jus joking, hope its not too soon...anyways thanks guys and Ill keep ya posted
the soon to be author Brandon DeCavele
But to be honest with everybody, I think she tries but I think she thinks a half hour is good enough, she just doesnt understand and wont. I love her but I do think the easiest option is to diverge but we have two daughters together, so there comes the point...I have done a lot to try to tight rope everything and in my mind am more than caring to her needs lol. I think I will see how this spring goes and go from there. I agree with most of you guys the Brian Hubbs I don't know if I want to take advice from you due to your condition lol jus joking, hope its not too soon...anyways thanks guys and Ill keep ya posted
the soon to be author Brandon DeCavele
- chris_mcmartin
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I have a tolerant wife with regards to my herpin' proclivities, and to my other hobbies (which are numerous), so I can only speak from the point of view of casual observer to friends and family members in situations similar to yours, who overlooked the major conflicts pre-marriage, assuming they'd smooth out with time. They didn't--in fact, they can intensify and you will feel misled and/or trapped.
You posted with what I have taken the liberty of assuming as an invitation for opinions, so this is mine. The way I see it, you have two options:
1. Break off the engagement, and in the best Monty Python impression you can muster, run away. It sounds harsh and painful, and it will be, but so is divorce, and divorce has longer-term effects.
2. Have a VERY serious conversation ASAP covering each other's expectations of what your married life will be like--time for interests other than the spouse on weekends? Weekdays? Separate (or additional) vacations to pursue your individual interests? Money involved in so doing? If you cannot agree NOW, it will not get better later, and you may need to refer to Option 1. DO NOT gloss over anything--brutal honesty will pay dividends.
Do you see yourself being as gung-ho on herps as you are now, for the rest of your life? Do you have other interests more palatable to your fiancee that could theoretically fill the void of going "cold turkey" off herpin', at least for a period of time?
You replied since I typed all this up, but I'm not going to change anything other than to say you appear to be pursuing Option 2 with limited success (though potentially acceptable).
You posted with what I have taken the liberty of assuming as an invitation for opinions, so this is mine. The way I see it, you have two options:
1. Break off the engagement, and in the best Monty Python impression you can muster, run away. It sounds harsh and painful, and it will be, but so is divorce, and divorce has longer-term effects.
2. Have a VERY serious conversation ASAP covering each other's expectations of what your married life will be like--time for interests other than the spouse on weekends? Weekdays? Separate (or additional) vacations to pursue your individual interests? Money involved in so doing? If you cannot agree NOW, it will not get better later, and you may need to refer to Option 1. DO NOT gloss over anything--brutal honesty will pay dividends.
Do you see yourself being as gung-ho on herps as you are now, for the rest of your life? Do you have other interests more palatable to your fiancee that could theoretically fill the void of going "cold turkey" off herpin', at least for a period of time?
You replied since I typed all this up, but I'm not going to change anything other than to say you appear to be pursuing Option 2 with limited success (though potentially acceptable).
- Brian Hubbs
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I will 2nd what Chris said about things not getting easier in marriage. They get WORSE...much worse...because some women think they can change YOU, and vice-versa. You will not change, you will only get more distant and more reluctant to change the more you are nagged and pushed...couples need to allow each other the freedom to be who they are, unconditionally, or it doesn't work. Period!
- The Real Snake Man
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Man, if your family is not more important to you than herping, you most likely have a problem; if this is a big enough deal to break up your relationship, there are probably additional problems. In my opinion, sacrifice (at least partial) is part of any real relationship, especially with family. Just out of curiosity, how often do you go herping, and how long is a typical excursion?
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
1) Pray
2) accept God's gift of paid herpetologist
3) field-herp 5 days per week
4) Weekends: take wife to 5 star dinner in New Orleans; leave extra car for son to abuse, i mean use; buy daughter I-phone 8;
5) back in the woods Monday a.m.
6) repeat as needed
2) accept God's gift of paid herpetologist
3) field-herp 5 days per week
4) Weekends: take wife to 5 star dinner in New Orleans; leave extra car for son to abuse, i mean use; buy daughter I-phone 8;
5) back in the woods Monday a.m.
6) repeat as needed
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Brian and Chris I think you guys are on track. the real snake man I most definitely put my family foremost in everything. I work Two full time jobs and "keep house" and cook dinner, I take care of my family, I spend time with my family. My herping adventures amount for a couple of hours after work during the spring and fall mostly, with one big trip lasting the most of a day every year except this year I talked her into two different two-three day herping adventures one in Oklahoma the other Nebraska. Thats why I was going to see how this spring goes. No my herping passion along with my deer hunting and fishing will not and can not be distinguished I have tried, it just makes it worse lol. But The snake man has a point that I already had conscious I will try to keep my family together however I can, but it just seems to be a recurring problem and was looking for answers others here have found besides one can only take so much
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I also have to say my oldest daughter loves herping and I take her with me, thats one way to make time with family, If I could only get my fiance to like it lol
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Brandon,
I still herp, just not 4 times a week since I've become a dad. Now I have to plan things way in advance and make the most of it when I can go out. Like the Hubbster said it's about finding a balance that is good for you. I do envy the guys that have the time to get to all the cool places but then I remember how amazing hearing my kids laugh is. That grounds me right back down and I lose the envy. Also I am lucky to have Bullsnakes, Gray Treefrogs, two species of Toad and Leopard frogs in my yard. So often on nice nights I can show the boys a herp or three and try to get them interested.
I still herp, just not 4 times a week since I've become a dad. Now I have to plan things way in advance and make the most of it when I can go out. Like the Hubbster said it's about finding a balance that is good for you. I do envy the guys that have the time to get to all the cool places but then I remember how amazing hearing my kids laugh is. That grounds me right back down and I lose the envy. Also I am lucky to have Bullsnakes, Gray Treefrogs, two species of Toad and Leopard frogs in my yard. So often on nice nights I can show the boys a herp or three and try to get them interested.
- The Real Snake Man
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Look, I think you're on the right track. You don't appear to be an "obsessive" herper, you just need to prioritize with your fiancee, and try to put this behind you. I'm not suggesting that you ignore issues (which you aren't doing anyway), just work them out with concessions on both sides. There will be problems in any family, the trick is to keep them from becoming recurring problems.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I thought this would be a good subject to talk about as it seems a lot of us have had bad relationships possibly due to our passions I will talk more on this as I am being summoned to bed goodnight folks
- chris_mcmartin
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
A little background on me, to provide some perspective: My wife woke at 2 in the morning to breastfeed our kid, and since it woke me up too, I went road cruising.
Explore the option of making your herp trips solo (or eventually with The Kid), and planning separate "family" style vacations (which often can't help but become herpin' trips, to varying degrees--ref. my "Merry Christmas to ME" post). I have taken the entire family on herpin' trips (with additional activities thrown in for their benefit), and have taken The Kid and left The Wife at home, and frankly, it led my wife to tell me to just take the trips on my own and she wouldn't feel left out. That seems to work well, and should not be construed as neglecting family to go herp (as long as you do plenty with your family as well).
In fact, one of my planned excursions this year cuts very close to our anniversary. I told The Wife I'd be home the day prior and she said basically it's no big deal since it's just a day on a calendar, and don't let that interfere with the itinerary. If you have someone like that, hold on tight and don't let go!
Explore the option of making your herp trips solo (or eventually with The Kid), and planning separate "family" style vacations (which often can't help but become herpin' trips, to varying degrees--ref. my "Merry Christmas to ME" post). I have taken the entire family on herpin' trips (with additional activities thrown in for their benefit), and have taken The Kid and left The Wife at home, and frankly, it led my wife to tell me to just take the trips on my own and she wouldn't feel left out. That seems to work well, and should not be construed as neglecting family to go herp (as long as you do plenty with your family as well).
In fact, one of my planned excursions this year cuts very close to our anniversary. I told The Wife I'd be home the day prior and she said basically it's no big deal since it's just a day on a calendar, and don't let that interfere with the itinerary. If you have someone like that, hold on tight and don't let go!
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I never plan any hiking for weekends. My wife gets those (mostly), unless I plan something in advance (survey, etc...) or if its a) with her or b) she scheduled something girly and I have a free day, half day, hour, etc.... I'm fortunate that I have 12,500 acres of public land to visit 12 minutes from my house. It allows me 2 or 3 hr hikes a couple times a week. Its rare that I take a full day and the 2-3hrs allows me to both work and hike.
The bottom line... don't be selfish (that goes to her too!). Compromise is king. Maybe negotiate? Less herps in the house for more time in the field- hey a junkie needs his fix
The bottom line... don't be selfish (that goes to her too!). Compromise is king. Maybe negotiate? Less herps in the house for more time in the field- hey a junkie needs his fix
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I'm the last person in the world who should give relationship advice, but this statement reeks of suppressed frustration and/or bitterness to me. While you don't want to be selfish, it's just as important to be forceful in making sure your own wants/needs are met as it is to be sure that hers are met.so there comes the point...I have done a lot to try to tight rope everything and in my mind am more than caring to her needs lol.
You have to be your own advocate. No one else will be, and obligations are no reason to go through life miserable.
- Mark Brown
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
This is such great advice. If you "willingly" give up something that you truly enjoy - something that's a big part of your life - for the sake of a relationship, you will carry resentment about it on some level, whether consciously or subconsciously, and resentments are poison to a relationship. If herping is important to you, have all the necessary discussions about it now, because it won't get better later on if you don't.VanAR wrote:While you don't want to be selfish, it's just as important to be forceful in making sure your own wants/needs are met as it is to be sure that hers are met.
- chris_mcmartin
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Another, unsolicited, piece of advice:
Do not show her this thread. She will probably kill you.
Do not show her this thread. She will probably kill you.
- AndyO'Connor
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
No regrets! Do not think that if it bugs you now, that it will not get worse with time. I don't have kids, but I do have a house, a dog, and a 7+ year relationship I am about to end because we are too different (in many parts of life) but most importantly is the things that make me happy are not understood or shared. I do not believe that you should feel stuck. If you feel stuck and use things like a house, or how much time you've invested as reasons to stay, that's not good. Being raised through 4 marriages and 3 divorces, with no solid father figure for more than a few years of my life, I can tell you that as long as you are around and never neglect your kids, they can be happy and grow up normal without you needing to marry someone you won't be happy with. I'm 29 now and am glad I don't have any kids to make it more difficult so take my opinions how you wish, but doing what makes you happy is not selfish as long as it's not destructive to yourself or others.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I'd like to know who this "Brian Hubbs" guy is?
FOr me, recently divorced and happy to be free after 26 years of being under a control freek.... I aim to do what I want to do. But when I was raising kids, that was way more important!
FOr me, recently divorced and happy to be free after 26 years of being under a control freek.... I aim to do what I want to do. But when I was raising kids, that was way more important!
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Yup. I only, out of many many, personally know two happily married men. The rest of my buds are downright envious of me. Off to Peru tonight!mikemike wrote:Single life, man. I don't have to clear herping with anyone.
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I'm not sure if I was lucky, or unlucky. I raised my 3 youngest kids, as a single dad, from kindergarden to now (youngest are 20) and while I never keep them up late on a school night, my kids always enjoyed going herping with me.... until their late teens, at least.
I am still happily single, and finances permitting, can herp to my heart's content. That said... I kept my commitments that having kids brought, for nearly 20 years, to get to this point. Do what you gotta do... herp when you can. jim
I am still happily single, and finances permitting, can herp to my heart's content. That said... I kept my commitments that having kids brought, for nearly 20 years, to get to this point. Do what you gotta do... herp when you can. jim
- ZantiMissKnit
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I'm married to a fellow herper and FHF member, and have no kids, so I am probably not qualified to give advice here.
- Mulebrother
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Hey Mike Mike...sorry, we cant go looking for sallies and wood frogs this weekend, my wife just put the kaibosh on it. Maybe next time.
- Gluesenkamp
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Marry a caver. She won't think herping is weird at all.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
ZantiMissKnit wrote:I'm married to a fellow herper and FHF member, and have no kids, so I am probably not qualified to give advice here.
You may be the most qualified. Lucky dog.
- ZantiMissKnit
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
It certainly doesn't get the house clean.jimoo742 wrote:ZantiMissKnit wrote:I'm married to a fellow herper and FHF member, and have no kids, so I am probably not qualified to give advice here.
You may be the most qualified. Lucky dog.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
father of 6, married almost 30 years.
advice
don't limit to just herping, add activities around your herping,(hiking,fishing,biking) and you can implement your herping almost un-noticed.
make it fun for the whole family-don't make it a 8 mile herping fest.
sneak out after hours, when everyone is asleep. so nocturnal herping becomes important factor
plan vacation times to seem really cool. wow, costa rica, beaches, waterfalls, sounds great right honey.
no when not to herp- birthdays,anniversaries, etc.
you will be fine.
oh yes, did I also mention to throw gifts her way often. yes buy your herping time.
advice
don't limit to just herping, add activities around your herping,(hiking,fishing,biking) and you can implement your herping almost un-noticed.
make it fun for the whole family-don't make it a 8 mile herping fest.
sneak out after hours, when everyone is asleep. so nocturnal herping becomes important factor
plan vacation times to seem really cool. wow, costa rica, beaches, waterfalls, sounds great right honey.
no when not to herp- birthdays,anniversaries, etc.
you will be fine.
oh yes, did I also mention to throw gifts her way often. yes buy your herping time.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
oops, left out a very important factor.
Find herpers to herp with that understand your situation.
I have met some fantastic people from this forum, who know my limited time and go out of their way to herp with me.
so friends also sacrifice for you. that is key to family herping. there are sacrifices just some of the people mentioned already.
like not being able to go to that sweet herping trip to the peruvian amazon this week.
Find herpers to herp with that understand your situation.
I have met some fantastic people from this forum, who know my limited time and go out of their way to herp with me.
so friends also sacrifice for you. that is key to family herping. there are sacrifices just some of the people mentioned already.
like not being able to go to that sweet herping trip to the peruvian amazon this week.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
guiltymillside wrote: like not being able to go to that sweet herping trip to the peruvian amazon this week.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I also have a wife who wonders why i have to go herping for more then 30 minutes. I explained that her that herping is a way for me to be in nature, and that it helps me to form the questions and hypothesis' I need to pursue my dream career as a field biologist. Currently I am a full time college student with a 3 year old daughter. My wife always wants me to spend more time with the family, which is, and always will be, my first priority. However, after explaining to her how important field herping is to me, she is much more willing to give me the time I need in the field.
Its all about compromises, but also explaining as clearly as possible how important the hobby is to you, and what you both get from it. (For me, it's another way to keep me sane... she likes it when I get back from a good outing.)
After communicating with my wife about how important this hobby is to me, she has not only come to accept it but also to encourage it. She loves going to the dump, which sells discarded junk (which she loves to locate for crafts) and where I find tin and boards for my lines for really cheap. The last couple of hikes I even caught her flipping cover! Priceless
[Insert unsolicited advert here] And my wife even bought me the best gift for Christmas. 3 awesome books - one on common kings, one on mountain kings, and a field guide on rattlers, by some guy named Hubbs. I can't put them down!!!
Its all about compromises, but also explaining as clearly as possible how important the hobby is to you, and what you both get from it. (For me, it's another way to keep me sane... she likes it when I get back from a good outing.)
After communicating with my wife about how important this hobby is to me, she has not only come to accept it but also to encourage it. She loves going to the dump, which sells discarded junk (which she loves to locate for crafts) and where I find tin and boards for my lines for really cheap. The last couple of hikes I even caught her flipping cover! Priceless
[Insert unsolicited advert here] And my wife even bought me the best gift for Christmas. 3 awesome books - one on common kings, one on mountain kings, and a field guide on rattlers, by some guy named Hubbs. I can't put them down!!!
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
My wife has become very understanding about my passion - except when on family vacation. She does give me a day or so because my kids are in to herping too. At home, she actually tells me to go herping when I'm stressed out. I think she knows it is very important to me and she likes it better than me being gone doing fieldwork for 3-6 months at a time, so she lets me go quite a bit during the season. She also gets time to herself when I take the kids herping, so she digs that. I try to make up for all my field time in winter, when I spoil her. Its just all about give and take like everything else
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I agree with Jeff and some other posts on here. I am very happily married to a person that hates snakes and likes lots of together time, and I have three kids. Anyone that would guess I don't herp (and fish) much doesn't know me well. It is definitely possible, even though it takes a lot of creativity (see Owen and Jeff (Louisiana) posts), and certainly a lot of compromise. Job choice, using fringe times/times she is occupied with other things (and night time!), father/child time, combining vacations, and other tools are key. I love herps and nature in general, love my wife and family more though, and am in paradise whenever I can combine them!
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I really hope you will be proud of all of your past herp accomplishments as another man is giving your daughters away at their weddings.
- ZantiMissKnit
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Unless there is some inside joke I'm missing, I think this is really uncalled for.matt ignoffo wrote:I really hope you will be proud of all of your past herp accomplishments as another man is giving your daughters away at their weddings.
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Is it?
-But it is acceptable to recommend to a stranger to leave his loved ones (including children) to find more snakes?
-But it is acceptable to recommend to a stranger to leave his loved ones (including children) to find more snakes?
- ZantiMissKnit
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I'm failing to find where people are saying that.
Many of the replies in this thread are light-hearted and tongue-in-cheek (or at least read that way to me), and many of them are serious. I haven't seen anything that specifically says "leave your wife and kids", but I do see some thoughtful discussion about communication and expectations.
Many of the replies in this thread are light-hearted and tongue-in-cheek (or at least read that way to me), and many of them are serious. I haven't seen anything that specifically says "leave your wife and kids", but I do see some thoughtful discussion about communication and expectations.
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I apologize to Brandon for being crude with my original comment. I was trying to make a point regarding priorities and future considerations - not be hurtful. Understand, though that it is not at all a stretch to take the premise of this thread as "I am leaving my family so I can go herping more".
-Any response mentioning being single/divorced and loving it is a nudge.
-Any response mentioning being single/divorced and loving it is a nudge.
- ZantiMissKnit
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Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I think I see where you are coming from a little more, Matt. Thank you for explaining it further. I apologize for coming down on you a little hard over it.matt ignoffo wrote:I apologize to Brandon for being crude with my original comment. I was trying to make a point regarding priorities and future considerations - not be hurtful. Understand, though that it is not at all a stretch to take the premise of this thread as "I am leaving my family so I can go herping more".
-Any response mentioning being single/divorced and loving it is a nudge.
- AndyO'Connor
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- Location: Pacific Northwest
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I see Matt's point, and want to clarify my statement in case it was taken as "dump your family and herp more". I just meant that it's not REALLY the herping itself that is the problem, but an ability to compromise, and recognize each other's passions. Those are important things in a relationship, and in my case, aren't being met. I don't have kids, so being single will lead to more time doing other things I love, mainly herping and being outdoors. I am just saying that you can still be a good dad without staying in an unhappy relationship. Whatever you do, don't make a decision for your own personal life based on what a couple internet guys say, although you asked for opinions, I assume you will make the decision that is best for you no matter what any of us have to say.
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- Posts: 8025
- Joined: June 8th, 2010, 8:12 am
- Location: Hesperia, California.
- Contact:
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
One friend of mine is married to a lady who is just as herp-crazy (maybe more) as he is... and the only friction that occurs is when she doesn't get to go, as much as him (they have 5 kids... so... pretty happy, I'd guess... ) I consider him very lucky to have found a true 'herp-wife'
the being single thing is fine...go where and when you want... but that's not to say I wouldn't be happier with someone to share the rd/camping tent with. Go herping nude, ect... you know... married stuff...
If I ever do find someone... 'must love snakes'... jim
Who was it that posted that awesome poem, he wrote 'The Herpetologist's Wife'. Very, very good.
the being single thing is fine...go where and when you want... but that's not to say I wouldn't be happier with someone to share the rd/camping tent with. Go herping nude, ect... you know... married stuff...
If I ever do find someone... 'must love snakes'... jim
Who was it that posted that awesome poem, he wrote 'The Herpetologist's Wife'. Very, very good.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Very interesting & I think pretty complete set of responses. I feel like I know you guys a little better.
There has been A LOT of wisdom shared here.
I'm happily married, well over 10 years. No kids, sort of a win/lose there but it gives us more time, money & energy to play, & less to fight about I guess, looking for a half-full glass. She's not into herps, but she likes tropical & desert vacations, camping, hiking, etc.
Going into it (during & after about 6-7 years of increasingly serious dating) I had a few dozen dangerously venomous snakes and quite a field-herping habit. To some sketchy places, even. So what'd I say after "'till death do us part"? (Well before, actually, well before.)
"Woo-hoo, it's a package deal honey, you get all of us. What a bargain!!! You lucky girl!!!"
Ha ha. Seriously, balance and compromise are essential, but/and SO IS maintaining the "essence of you". Stuff people have said about "resentment is like cancer" and "don't EVEN THINK anything sticky you ignore now will self-clean" and "do not try to change anyone else, nor submit to being changed" - are all right on the money as far as I can reckon. 20 years into the adventure - I hope I have some cred. Anyway, to illustrate - I got rid of anything "definitely gonna kill ya if it gets ya" and was satisfied with merely "gonna break the bank, cause permanent disfigurement and reduced ability, and scare the bejeezsus outta the missus". And I avoid the really sketchy places now - not worth it. Who needs Culiacan when there's Dominica? Ha ha.
So to repeat what others have already said - practice balance and compromise, to a point. To a point. The hard part is knowing your limits, your sideboards, and then - to thine own self be true. Otherwise, you'll just be a miserable shit spreading misery in the world.
Best to ya man. May you be wise, may you be content.
PS I enjoyed your year-end post! Nice milks.
Cheers,
Jimi
There has been A LOT of wisdom shared here.
I'm happily married, well over 10 years. No kids, sort of a win/lose there but it gives us more time, money & energy to play, & less to fight about I guess, looking for a half-full glass. She's not into herps, but she likes tropical & desert vacations, camping, hiking, etc.
Going into it (during & after about 6-7 years of increasingly serious dating) I had a few dozen dangerously venomous snakes and quite a field-herping habit. To some sketchy places, even. So what'd I say after "'till death do us part"? (Well before, actually, well before.)
"Woo-hoo, it's a package deal honey, you get all of us. What a bargain!!! You lucky girl!!!"
Ha ha. Seriously, balance and compromise are essential, but/and SO IS maintaining the "essence of you". Stuff people have said about "resentment is like cancer" and "don't EVEN THINK anything sticky you ignore now will self-clean" and "do not try to change anyone else, nor submit to being changed" - are all right on the money as far as I can reckon. 20 years into the adventure - I hope I have some cred. Anyway, to illustrate - I got rid of anything "definitely gonna kill ya if it gets ya" and was satisfied with merely "gonna break the bank, cause permanent disfigurement and reduced ability, and scare the bejeezsus outta the missus". And I avoid the really sketchy places now - not worth it. Who needs Culiacan when there's Dominica? Ha ha.
So to repeat what others have already said - practice balance and compromise, to a point. To a point. The hard part is knowing your limits, your sideboards, and then - to thine own self be true. Otherwise, you'll just be a miserable shit spreading misery in the world.
Best to ya man. May you be wise, may you be content.
PS I enjoyed your year-end post! Nice milks.
Cheers,
Jimi
- jason folt
- Posts: 262
- Joined: June 7th, 2010, 9:20 am
- Location: Midwest
- Contact:
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I am happily married. Herping (and my many other hobbies) get me in trouble from time to time. Like others, I dedicate time to my wife and am sure to do things I don't necessarily love to do, if she wants to do them. You have to find balance.
Honestly though, I am kinda with Matt I. on this. You have two kids. You chose to have kids, and you now need to be responsible for them. If you were not ready or willing to dedicate the time needed to your wife and children then you shouldn't have had them. It doesn't sound like you ask for all that much, but yet it still seems to cause friction.
We have been happily married for 5 years. We have also chosen not to give up our free time or our lifestyles to have children. This leaves me time to herp. One day we have kids, but I sure am not ready yet. You already made that choice. The reality is you have a growing family that loves you. This is time consuming, and herping really isn't all that important.
Jason
You could also give up other "time sinks". When you stop obsessing over herp forums, and figure out that is field time wasted life gets a whole lot better.
Honestly though, I am kinda with Matt I. on this. You have two kids. You chose to have kids, and you now need to be responsible for them. If you were not ready or willing to dedicate the time needed to your wife and children then you shouldn't have had them. It doesn't sound like you ask for all that much, but yet it still seems to cause friction.
We have been happily married for 5 years. We have also chosen not to give up our free time or our lifestyles to have children. This leaves me time to herp. One day we have kids, but I sure am not ready yet. You already made that choice. The reality is you have a growing family that loves you. This is time consuming, and herping really isn't all that important.
Jason
You could also give up other "time sinks". When you stop obsessing over herp forums, and figure out that is field time wasted life gets a whole lot better.
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- Posts: 2248
- Joined: June 7th, 2010, 11:42 am
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I like this.practice balance and compromise, to a point. To a point. The hard part is knowing your limits, your sideboards, and then - to thine own self be true.
A person can and should compromise on lots of things...it's necessary to function in society. However, do not compromise what you are for the sake of another person's approval. To do so is poisonous, both to the relationship and to your own spirit. Know what your nonnegotiables are.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
There's always adoption and abortion. Imo, both are not so bright.Jaycee wrote:Use a condom. Preventative measures
Oh sorry, once the deed is done, you mean....I dunno ,good luck with that, lol.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
*************************************************************Use a condom. Preventative measures
Oh sorry, once the deed is done, you mean....I dunno ,good luck with that, lol.
There's always adoption and abortion. Imo, both are not so bright.
Moderator Scott - our community recently had a discussion about the management of content & conduct on this Forum. We never really resolved anything overtly, but we did not opt for aggressive moderator policing (IMO that was a good "decision"). Where that leaves us, I think, is either 1) individual self-restraint, or 2) members calling each other out on occasion.
I think the last (quoted) post was irrelevant and damaging to Brandon's thread, sure to either shut it down, or incite further derailment. Whatever the intent, I think that will be the result. This last bit of content does not belong on The Forum, it does not belong on the Boardline, it has nothing to do with field herping, conservation in general, or with Brandon's question. It has no place here.
I request that you delete it.
Thanks,
Jimi
- Daniel D Dye
- Posts: 1220
- Joined: June 7th, 2010, 4:56 pm
- Location: New River (Brooker), Florida
- Contact:
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
I'm in total agreement with you, Jimi.Jimi wrote:*************************************************************Use a condom. Preventative measures
Oh sorry, once the deed is done, you mean....I dunno ,good luck with that, lol.
There's always adoption and abortion. Imo, both are not so bright.
Moderator Scott - our community recently had a discussion about the management of content & conduct on this Forum. We never really resolved anything overtly, but we did not opt for aggressive moderator policing (IMO that was a good "decision"). Where that leaves us, I think, is either 1) individual self-restraint, or 2) members calling each other out on occasion.
I think the last (quoted) post was irrelevant and damaging to Brandon's thread, sure to either shut it down, or incite further derailment. Whatever the intent, I think that will be the result. This last bit of content does not belong on The Forum, it does not belong on the Boardline, it has nothing to do with field herping, conservation in general, or with Brandon's question. It has no place here.
I request that you delete it.
Thanks,
Jimi
Daniel
- kyle loucks
- Posts: 3147
- Joined: June 8th, 2010, 1:40 am
- Location: Pennsylvania- Bucks Co. near Phila.
Re: How do you guys make time for family while herping?
Married 25 years this year, father of 4 with the youngest being adopted, coach of soccer, baseball, softball and basketball teams for my kids and have still managed to herp through it all. Blessed to have an understanding wife who shares my love of nature but doesnt usually go with me since the "tick incident". It takes balance, planning and communication on all sides. Herps are a big part of my life, but their importance will always take a back seat to my family. Its not all about me.
For those that have a busy family I will make this plug for a website tool I use that helps with all of this.
www.cozi.com Its an online calendar that eveyone in your family can see from anywhere, anytime. Try it.
For those that have a busy family I will make this plug for a website tool I use that helps with all of this.
www.cozi.com Its an online calendar that eveyone in your family can see from anywhere, anytime. Try it.